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I’m sorry, I am not a person anymore; I’m a PROBLEM

Why does nobody understand the way anorexia works (bar sufferers) but anyone from the outside has zero clue!!! It is truly FRUSTRATING…

I was in need of an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist – DSH, anxiety increased, very depressed and extremely suicidal, so my G.P and psychologist arranged for an emergency appointment to be arranged. Although I have been in relapse with anorexia for over a year now the last time I saw my psychiatrist was the 30th of May 2017 and I wasn’t due back until the 9th of August (which would have been exactly 10 weeks since I would have seen him last).

Just yesterday I got an emergency app to see him first thing, well first I had to meet with my psychologist for 20 mins then had to see a psychiatrist and then the psychiatrist and consultant together – it was exhausting!!

It was my second time to meet this new psychiatrist (a lot of chopping and changing of psychiatrists in the service I attend within the last year I have attended 5 different psychiatrists). I know his approach might be by being honest and truthful no shit given type thing but I found him to be quite rude tbh…

He asked me all the usual stuff in relation to my mood, DSH and so on and of course about my eating – what my weight is now, when was my bloods taken last, when was the last time I ate something blah blah blah..

I told him my G.P weighs me on a weekly basis without fail and that my weight was ** the day before – he broke down what kg I was into exactly how many pounds that was and what it meant my bmi was now at **. He told me he doesn’t know how I haven’t ended up in hospital yet and that I will end up there sooner rather than later, how if I lose up to 1kg more I’l be admitted straight away without hesitation, how il have a tube coming out my nose and that il be force fed and how there was no possible way I would be able to refuse treatment because “legally if I refuse to sign in for treatment that they can do it for me” So of course me being me turned and goes well off with ye, ye can try that but il be getting on the first plane out of here “we can send a search warrant for you if needs be” I think he thought if he scared me into thinking id be admitted more than likely in a couple of weeks that I would just snap out of it…

“You could just pick up a piece of food and eat it”

“All you have to do is change your mindset – listen to the little voice rather than the eating disorder and make that little voice stronger and more powerful”

“If you take these meds with your others your mood will hopefully increase and if we can get you happy again the ED might go away”

WHY DO THEY THINK IT’S THAT SIMPLE??

THERE THE ONES TRAINED IN THE AREA OF MENTAL HEALTH AND TO UNDERSTAND THE WAY PEOPLE’S MINDS CAN WORK…

I felt so little and pathetic, felt like I was a child being given out to…

Quote <3

Cry as much as you want to, but make sure when you’re finished you never cry for the same reason again

Relapse *Trigger warning

A couple of months ago I had a relapse and slipped back into the horrifying eating disorder cycle… I forgot how much it controls your life! I lost almost 4 stone since September and now weighing 49kg. I’m attending G.P on a weekly basis since November to have my weight monitored. Thankfully I have such a good relationship with him or I honestly don’t know what I would do. It feels like history is repeating itself. It had been 4 years since I was previously diagnosed with anorexia.

Was told that my psychiatrist said I would have to be hospitalised if my BMI reached 17 and that is what it currently and I am terrified. I keep playing tricks in order for my weight to be up a little each week I go to my G.P but not every week it works in my favour to kid him. I try my hardest to keep my bladder full when going into be weighed but when you suffer from anxiety too that definitely doesn’t go to plan. Other times I try to keep my phone in my bra to add a little bit of extra weight but sadly he managed to cop onto that trick… He keeps telling me he knows I’m doing something to have my weight up a little bit but he cant figure out how “just yet but he will”…

My physical and mental symptoms are seemingly becoming very obvious now.. My bp is dangerously low but my heart rate is high, I am constantly weak, my whole body hurts, constant headaches, exhaustion and also as you can imagine my mental health is at a very low point.

Anorexia is an extremely vicious, horrifying experience, it takes full control over your life. But yet I can’t let go of Ana, she’s the only one that understands it, although she can be the biggest bitch out there and I cannot look in the mirror, enjoy the smell of food, even consider eating without a comment made in my ear, right now I cannot imagine my life without her, right now she is the only person that truly understands why I am doing this, pushes me to keep going and not give up on what I want and is certainly the only person I can trust…

Sometimes I honestly don’t know why I let her back in and control me but part of reason I love it, is the fact I actually feel like I have some sort of control over at least a part of my life and that feels so good!!!!

Going to rant whether people read it or not!! </3 no one to talk to nowhere to turn </3

Well the past two months or there abouts have been total and utter hell… Back in February i went through a really bad patch again worst iv been in ages… Started self harming again badly continuing for days on end, my anxiety got really hard to cope with and was having frequent panic attacks (2-3 daily) my mood was extremely low and started being suicidal.. went to my doctor on the Tuesday and he said wait and see how bad you get because he was hoping it was just a blip so he gave me vallium to try and keep me calm and he would ring me after work on the Wednesday, to say the least vallium didn’t work!! I had a really bad panic attack about an hour before he rang ended up being a proper brake down, when he eventually rang i told him and he took me straight of the vallium and onto lyrica for a day to see if it would help, but i couldn’t get the prescription until the Thursday when it finally came through he told he would ring me again after work on Friday to see how things were!! But things just got worse, i ended up self harming pretty bad for the first time in 8 and a half months… Friday finally came and i had to get an emergency appointment to see him, he sent me straight to the psychiatric hospital… They didnt admit me because they didn’t have a room and according to her (who was a FUCKING bitch) thought i was acting up and doing it for attention!! i stormed out to my parents and texted my doctor who rang me straight away, i filled him in on everything he was like a small antichrist, he wasn’t a happy bunny that’s for sure!! I remember the phone call so clearly – he was trying to reassure me that everything would be ok, that she doesn’t know me and who did she think she was to say something like that!! A line i remember fully from what he said was ‘I sent you there in hoping they would offer you some form of assistance and help to get you through the weekend when in fact they made you feel a 100 times worse!!’ He gave me an appointment to go see him on the Monday and we would talk about it properly then…

I self harmed again after coming home from the hospital and aswel as the saturday and sunday nights… The addiction of self harm had started again… My doctor got me an emergency appointment on the Wednesday to see my psychiatrist, they put me on more meds to try and keep me calm!! Am now on 7 meds a day and i am only 19 years old!! Im seen a counsellor on a weekly basis, a Occupational therapist/nurse twice a week for bulimia/anorexia which iv to be weighed at every appointment 😦 and a psychiatrist every second week as well as my GP..

It’s been horrible, i just needed to rant so badly… </3 unsure as to how much more i can take!!

Psych ward????? Hospital?? HELP!!!

Hi guys,

boy i havent been on this in a very long time, but so glad i can always turn back here when in desperate need… 🙂 things have been extremely rocky over the past few months… about a month ago my meds got changed to PROZAC 😦 which incase people are unaware its an antidepressant for depression and bulimia nervosa 😦 so was on them for nearly 4 weeks and went to my doctor on friday last as my mood dipped to a very very scary low 😦 i was very suicidal lost over 6lbs etc… so went to my doc anyways and he couldn believe how bad i was, to quote his words ‘suicidal ideation, apathetic and severely depressed’ so he wrote a letter and wanted me to go to hospital first thing the next day…

next morning my parents brought me to the hospital, where i saw a psychiatrist on call.. He said to me ‘plan a is we try you on another type of medication and if that doesnt help our only other option is to admit you to hospital where you can be closely monitored… he put me on a new drug called martizapine which is an anti depressant for people who suffer from  severe depression, but i have to go to my GP on a weekly basis for close monitoring 😦

im so scared… what if these meds dont help and i have no choice but to go to hospital what do i do then…?

Im actually petrified 😦 😦

Donno what to do!!! :( Feeling like absolute shit..

I FEEL SO ALONE!!!! 😦 

Ever since i finished with CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) in August iv’e been thrown from one person to another.. went to see one person didn’t like him so went to another i liked him but i had a major breakdown and my doctor forced me to finish with him and attend a adult mental health team but i didn’t like them so was forced to attend another and i don’t like them either 😦 so i decided not to go back there again either but now i feel so alone i have no1 to go see for counselling i’m left out in the world without any support :L i’m having really bad nights have no motivation to do anything at all and am having serious breakdown with my eating again but i don’t care about that cuz iv’e got a serious amount of weight to lose.. but any ideas what i should do about getting help… i cry myself to sleep, can’t concentrate on college av really bad anxiety, bearly eating, trying to make myself sick, feeling like shit constantly and having bad urges to self harm… I was working today and i spilt hot water over myself by accident and it should have hurt but i liked it is there something wrong with me, usual people wouldn’t like getting hot water spilt all over them… 😦 what’s wrong with me and what should i do??

 

PLEASE!!! SUGGESTIONS REALLY NEEDED!!!! 

Video

say something – Christina Aguilera

I love this song so much makes me cry over and over again and yet it brings back memories.. </3